Have you reached a point where you’re tired of hearing the advice “let it go” when someone hurts you? Isn’t it obvious that you would rather succeed than feel negative emotions when you think about the situation? Those words are not a solution. They aren’t even good advice.
Even with minimal hurts, moving on is not a single idea. There are steps in the process. It’s not easy to face a situation—and the emotions involved—in a hurtful circumstance. But when you feel deeply wronged, it can seem impossible.
Healing from deep wounds takes time and intentional steps. It’s a process of resuscitation, renovation, and regeneration. When thought about in these terms, it makes sense why a quick fix is not possible.
In This Article
Comparing Physical and Emotional Hurt
For the sake of explanation, we’ll compare the emotional pain that we’re discussing to a physical situation. Imagine physical injuries, from a small scrape to a very deep cut on your skin.
The scrape will heal more quickly and may not need extra attention, but you know it’s there. You start by looking at it, cleaning it, and then continue watching it to keep it from getting infected. You trust your skin to do the job you’ve seen it accomplish so many times. Protect and heal. That’s what it was made to do.
Unlike a small scratch, a deep cut is usually covered for protection while it heals. Similarly, we often bury our emotional wounds and hope to forget them as a protective mechanism. We can easily open the bandage on our skin, but rarely want to look at the hidden emotional issue. Instead of trusting our body to heal as with the skin, we prefer not to revisit the wound in our soul. It may be that your mind subconsciously feels you’re fine from the incident, or that it’s too difficult to deal with.
An emotional wound doesn’t involve only one part of the body. Since emotions are formed from thoughts, hurts include your mental, emotional, and social wellness.
Emotional wounds must heal from the inside out. There isn’t an automatic process that your body takes as does your skin. In fact, your mind can hide and bury things which creates problems in the future. Emotional hurts are different because other people are involved, and that immediately changes our level of control.
Understanding the View When Someone Hurts You
A situation where you have been hurt by someone creates a particular mindset, defensive nature, and an emotional stirring. You’re not only focused on the hurt, but a first thought is of protection. Emotional thinking can often create difficulty.
When you think about the circumstance over time, it becomes part of your foundation and your thought process and actions. You may see and measure the situation one way in the beginning, and it can change over time as you move through different periods of life. Depending on how long you keep the hurt buried, your thoughts and actions may change as you compensate, but the issue remains. As you journey through life, you become more familiar with creating distractions to steer away from your hurt. The more practice you get, the better you are at leaving it buried.
Weeks, months, or years after the hurt happened, you may still avoid the situation and make continuous excuses as to why you don’t need to deal with it. One of the most common is that there isn’t a need because everything is “fine” especially if you think you’ve moved on. However, it’s often the case that there’s not understanding of the importance of healing the wound.
In addition, there’s no knowledge of how to make this happen. It’s not your fault. Many of us weren’t taught to correctly deal with adversity, deep wounds, or about relationship needs in general.
One idea to understand is that unmet expectations create hurt. Once there is hurt present, it can lead to anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, and a gamut of destructive actions. This hurt and anger can become rooted inside you, and once there, it’s much harder to remove. It’s why learning the truth about emotions is so important.
Overview of the 7 Steps
The truth is, many of us don’t have the first clue how to lean in and overcome these hurtful situations. Then, when the emotions resurface, we crumble back to the place where we began. Triggers are real.
Understanding that it’s a process to overcome hurt is vital to the success of your outcome. When recalling the deep physical cut, we automatically know it takes time to heal that wound. Yet, we often bury our emotional hurts and assume that we’re fine and have no need for intervention.
This type of thinking creates a place for years of difficulty and strips you of your ability for freedom.
We’ll look at seven steps in the journey to healing. The following include the concepts of recognition and acceptance, transition of mindset, backsliding, and actions for remedying the hurt for good. Let’s get started.
1. Acknowledgement
This step involves recognition and is the beginning of the journey. It is possibly the most important step, because without acknowledgement of the issue, it cannot be resolved.
Sometimes it can be tricky because long-term hurt might falsely create the idea of normalcy. Only after leaving or being removed from the situation do we realize what was happening.
For example, cases of abuse are not always recognized until later when the victim hears a description of the term. Victims, especially of emotional abuse, don’t always realize the extreme nature of the hurt they encountered and the affect it had.
Whether it involves seeking information for understanding, or accepting what took place, acknowledgement is where we begin. Uncovering any buried situation is needed. Acknowledgement also pertains when an action first takes place. Use this mindset to keep from burying hurtful circumstances.
2. Understand You Only Control Yourself
After recognizing the hurt for what it is, we lean into more acceptance of our own power. The understanding that you only have control of yourself is an important part of healing.
This is true no matter if the hurt was in the past or is a current issue. Accepting that you cannot control other people is vital. With this understanding a great weight is lifted.
Our actions and words toward others are ours and should be handled appropriately. But you cannot control the reactions, desires, verbalizations, or action steps of other people. No matter how much you would like to.
When looked at correctly, this creates a release. While it can be frustrating, because we want things to go a certain way, accepting this truth brings revelation. It allows reflection of our own thoughts, actions, and communication.
In addition, it births the understanding that whatever your circumstance, the person who hurt you made the choice. Even if they intend to place blame elsewhere, the choice was theirs. Allow yourself to leave the self-blame behind for good.
3. Yield the Intention to Seek Punishment or Restitution
The term “yield” is used purposefully in this step. It has two meanings. Yield is the action of leaving something behind or surrendering. It also means producing something by cultivating it.
This step is meant as a focus for relinquishing and transitioning to gain more wellness. Try not to add to the mix without first releasing what should be left behind. It can get messy when the two inhabit the same place.
Part of our mindset is that the person who let you down should be punished or at least know what it felt like. The thought that we deserve something for being hurt is common. We should be consoled, receive an apology, get gifts, etc. This might ease the pain.
If it doesn’t happen—or perhaps anyway—the perpetrator needs to be hurt in return to experience the same emotion. However, this places you in a role that isn’t yours. It creates a burden that you can’t possibly carry.
Attempting to control this revenge, or to spend time wishing it on someone, births false control and wastes energy. While you feel that these consequences will bring you closure, they are a distraction. They don’t heal your hurt.
The real step to closure is forgiveness. It’s usually a sore subject and isn’t the ideal choice to many people. However, it’s the only true way to freedom in the situation. It does not mean that you concede or are admitting what they did was acceptable. This step is for you.
Unforgiveness creates days, weeks, months, and perhaps years of hurt when you replay the event and try to change the outcome yourself. Remember, you are only in control of your actions and responses, not theirs. So, it’s highly likely you could end up disappointed all over again.
Controlling your mindset is important for healing. Remember the term yield. This step involves you letting go of the need for punishment and creates a space for you to begin stepping forward. Your personal growth depends on it. As you leave the concept of “being owed” behind, you must also relinquish the desire for revenge.
Once you decide (and yes, it is a decision) to change your thoughts about punishment and restitution, it clears a path for you to cultivate something greater. Optimistic thoughts and a better outlook can begin to form even though there are still steps to be taken.
4. Be Realistic About Your Guilt or Shame
This step is tough but is meant to sharpen your focus and reaction to emotions that have taken control of your life. Guilt and shame.
Even in situations where you are the victim, and have truly done nothing wrong, you can experience these emotions. You may feel that something should have been prevented. Or that others are relying on you even though they caused you hurt. It might be that you have been conditioned over time to think you are the reason for the hurt. This type of long-term abuse is difficult to remedy but it is possible.
This step is a choice and calls for an increase in intentional thoughts. The power of your mindset can surface as you change the script. This takes time but is a beneficial and necessary focus of healing.
It begins by acknowledging that you do not have reason to harbor guilt or shame. In some cases, you have wronged someone, apologized sincerely, and they will not allow you to forget the situation. This does not warrant carrying these emotions because they insist.
True forgiveness, in either direction, must be authentic. It does not include terms or exclusions. So, if you have taken steps to right the wrong, you know in your heart if it was authentic.
Carrying guilt and shame should not be subjected to a decision by others. If we allow this, we’ll never be free of the circumstance or hurt.
In addition, it’s not uncommon for these emotions to stick around if those that hurt you are family, friends, or coworkers. People we readily see and spend time with have a tighter hold unfortunately. These circumstances can breed long-lasting guilt and shame and must be addressed intentionally by changing your view.
Taking steps to accept that you don’t deserve to be the scapegoat for others is important. Don’t allow yourself to commit to staying in the crosshairs. Or to be convinced that you should single-handedly carry guilt and shame for past actions, real or fictional. Breaking free is a necessary step.
5. Understand the Prison Sentence
This is a good place to mention cycles of unforgiveness, negative emotions, unchanged mindsets, and anger. While calling it a prison sentence may seem harsh, there is some truth to it.
Once you fall into the cycle of relapse over again, or have repetitive thoughts that drag you down, you become a prisoner. Without using your power to break out of this cycle, you waste time and energy on situations that likely can’t be changed. Controlling these thoughts comes from altering your mindset.
Allowing hurt that others have caused—and the memories of it—to maintain space in our thoughts creates distraction. It keeps you from action steps and success that could otherwise be experienced. This may be a continuous focus on specific emotions or recalling issues over again. Until you stop, it’s hard to gain wholeness in your journey.
You don’t need to spend time focused on past experiences, unchanging circumstances, and neglect your own time or energy. Making a choice not to allow your thoughts to hijack your journey is a powerful decision and leads to great discovery. However, it’s not always that simple.
To change this focus is one of the most challenging parts. When it takes place there’s usually one culprit. Unforgiveness. This may be of the other person or of self. We intend to put a stop to the cycle but haven’t been successful. This is where your spirituality is important. Every point along the way can be richer and achieved more successfully by leaning in spiritually. But this one is often where we realize there’s been difficulty with the prior steps.
It sometimes takes getting to this point to commit to the idea that we can’t do it alone. Even with professional help, it might not be enough. One solution is prayer. This invites God in for further steps in healing. (Although He’s been there all along, there’s power in a decision to take the step.) Leaning in can alter the areas where wounds were inflicted and create wholeness. According to His Word, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)
6. Be Open to Meeting Halfway
The first two points focused on recognition and acceptance of hurt. Then, we saw three steps that involved transitional thinking and the realization of your power. Now, we’ll move into an outward focused realm. Remember, emotional healing takes place from the inside out.
Once you have addressed understanding and mindset, there comes a time for relationships. This may include someone that has hurt you in the past, and it may not.
Often, we feel stuck if those that hurt us are family, friends, or coworkers. If you still see the person, it’s important to have a strong mindset when encountering them. You might have a desire to remedy the relationship, or you may assume it’s expected, but are hesitant.
An important point to remember is that you control your choices and communication. To gauge your steps, use the guideline that you can meet them halfway. While working to repair the situation, ensure that you do your part while beginning to assess the importance of it to the other person.
We can be loving, kind, and generous, but it’s also necessary to monitor the progression as it takes place when attempting to overcome a prior hurt. Being involved does not mean carrying the weight of the relationship, or making all the effort, only to be disappointed that no one else is trying. Reconciliation is an important part of healing but is challenging.
In cases where the one that caused you hurt is not someone you will encounter again, your healing involves actions moving forward with others. As you participate in other relationships, don’t allow the past hurt to set boundaries, or build walls, before you even get started. Remaining open-minded and realizing everyone is not the enemy creates room for acceptance and helps you get along with others.
Realistically, when you’re walking through these steps, it’s not uncommon to begin encounters with some hesitancy. Ultimately, movement in relationships is beneficial if you’re able to participate without walls and caution from fear of being hurt again. This takes time.
7. Don’t Sacrifice Your Wholeness
If you’re making an honest effort to meet halfway when reconciling a relationship, it’s usually expected you’ll be met in the middle. What happens when you’re not?
Perhaps there isn’t a genuine effort being made, and the attempt to renew the situation isn’t authentic. In this instance, realize that you cannot accept responsibility for both roles.
A part of having successful steps is accepting that sometimes you need to cut ties in a situation. Other times, you may be hesitant to return to the circumstance. In both instances, it’s important to weigh out how the issues equate to your wholeness. Each area of your being that has been affected should be considered. That includes your mental, emotional, spiritual, and social wellness.
Spirituality is beneficial for help with guidance through the steps. Also, using mindfulness skills creates a way to be more present in the moment. Regardless of the methods, sometimes the situation isn’t moving in a healthy direction.
If this is the case, it might become necessary to set boundaries or even remove yourself. Although this is for protection, there is often a sensation of loss that creates more hurt. It’s possible to be in a circumstance that you feel hesitant to leave even though someone hurt you. It happens often.
Loss in these instances can take on a role like grief with a physical loss. It is a real occurrence and brings challenges. However, the important point to remember is the reason for cutting ties. If your overall wellness is suffering from broken relationships, attempt to reconcile, or a one-sided circumstance, then healing will be difficult. Necessary movement can promote better steps and can encourage healthier outcomes.
It takes effort and wisdom to recognize when it’s time to lean in or there’s a need to change the situation. As you use the points we’ve discussed, it creates magnification of your thoughts. Inevitably, your focus on each part of the journey should be present to maintain the greatest wellness possible.
Final Thoughts for When Someone Hurts You
Part of human nature is to be in relationship with others, but it’s never perfect. These seven steps can help you increase understanding and intentional thoughts to overcome when someone has hurt you. Our instinct to punish, or that we deserve something from it, is rapid and strong.
Rather than follow the negative thoughts, and act accordingly, work through the steps. Each plays a part and has a role in forward progression. Once you begin to accomplish strength and see your power, you’ll realize that greater wellness is achievable.