This wasn’t the original article planned for the week; however, after an encounter with my young adult daughter, there was no resisting capturing the moment.
She called unprompted and expressed gratitude toward me for always being available and willing to help her. She was having a moment of revelation about the foundation that had been established throughout her childhood. She apologetically mentioned taking things for granted. Her recognition brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart. The hard work raising her had not gone unnoticed.
There’s much to appreciate about this recent encounter, and it led to deeper reflection. Maneuvering through the childhood journeys with our kids has been interesting to say the least. Not at all perfect, but intentional most times.
Thanks to many lessons learned—good and tough ones—the hope is to share information that will encourage, enlighten, and energize you. The goal is to keep going and not give up before reaching success.
First, we’ll look at several points that are beneficial to a child of any age (and to you as the parent). Then, we will walk through the stages of a child’s growth and ideas that might be helpful to know with each one. Finally, we’ll make a little time for healing. We’re not perfect, and parenting is often just the thing to throw you into a tailspin.
In This Article
Points Needed for Parenting (No Matter Their Age)
The technique for taking steps will look differently for everyone. Personalities, environment, location, and many more concepts contribute to parenting. Two of the most weighted are other siblings and input from older children. Try viewing the points for your specific situation, not assuming they pertain the same way to each family and child.
Confidence in Yourself
One of the first traits that is needed as a new parent is the confidence that you can handle what’s to come. Although you “get the hang of it,” we can always be looking for ways to improve our parenting. Paying attention to your own wellness is a must. Healthy moms (and dads) have a better time maintaining their steps.
Parenting is a skill that encompasses many points and requires careful thought. Rather than allowing ideas to toss us around, we work on gaining confidence when handling situations. Much like everything new in life, there’s a learning curve. Between a newborn, a new teenager, or a young adult, maintaining confidence to take on the role your child needs at any point is important. These are vital years as a leader and influencer in another person’s life. We should take that responsibility seriously.
Connection with Your Child
Connecting with kids is one of the most helpful points no matter the age of your child. From infancy, science has proven that a child seeks out and longs for a connection. This is how security, healthy beginnings, trust, and relationships are formed. Connections are foundational in your parenting.
It can be tricky and sometimes challenging because each child is unique. Older kids more easily vocalize what they like. It’s up to you to develop individual connections with each kiddo.
A hint here: most children are pleased with sincere gestures and quality time rather than extravagant memories that take lots of money. When a strong foundation is established, your child will remember this versus a particular encounter that will lose nostalgia over time. See this article with some meaningful messages for mom shared by a fifth grade class.
Consistency with Your Style
Again, each family is unique. But no matter the methods, they must be consistent. One of the best ways to develop consistency is to lead by example. Of course, this can create cringe-worthy moments because none of us are perfect. However, the overall effort of remaining consistent speaks volumes to your child and lets them know you care.
Some examples worth mentioning beyond behavior are teaching them organization, time management, making choices, and empathy. Consistency is important because it helps create foundational stability and breakthrough. Great character traits come from consistent behaviors and actions.
Clear Communication
This point rings true no matter what relationship you’re focusing on, but it is especially vital when raising children. As one of the main points of contact for your child, when you model good communication, it encourages lifelong skills.
Keep in mind, this doesn’t assume there are no disagreements, or that all situations should be perfect. Good communication encompasses conflict resolution too. Teaching your child how to assess conversations and situations (even from a young age) builds understanding. It’s important to teach them that everyone has a voice, and they should be considerate of others. One of the best ways to incorporate this is to encourage communication with them and use examples in real time as teachable moments.
Consider the Cost
This is not based on money but is the “currency” of the relationship with your child (choices, consequences, and conclusions). One explanation is to “pick your battles.” Making choices is a part of life and is never truer than when parenting. It takes constant action and should be intentional as often as possible.
As you maneuver this minefield, choose wisely. Take things into consideration before reacting and demanding that your child take steps. Not only do kids have consequences from their own choices, but parents do as well. We can set the stage for a lifelong relationship by considering our choices and the consequences they create with our children. Sometimes less is more, and the bigger picture must be considered in decisions.
Comic Relief
I added this point as a necessity in parenting because we should never take things too seriously. If you display the ability to lighten up to your children, they will continue the same habit. Smiling takes less muscles than frowning. It’s also true that your brain and hormones are affected by laughter in positive ways. There are really no ill side-effects, so it’s a great point to practice.
Besides increasing your health, and showing a lighthearted side to your children, it’s better to laugh than cry (so the saying goes). It is a parenting truth that you’ll have days when you want to cry, scream, ball your fists, and pull your hair out. But if it is appropriate, a good laugh is a much better outlet. Make a practice of inviting laughter into the relationship with your children. Watch how it can turn things around.
5 “Stepping-Stone” Childhood Stages
Since we’ve looked at some important points for parenting, we’ll change gears to an overview of the childhood stages our kids encounter. As they grow and change, keep in mind that each little person is still an individual. There are ideas that encompass these “steppingstones” which are recognized scientifically, but your child is still unique.
1. Ages 0-5
This stage spans from a child being completely dependent to progression of more self-reliance. Children still need many, many things from us at this stage, but they are beginning to realize they’re more capable. At this point, kids are mimicking emotions, expressions, and physical motions, not only from us but their peers. This stage is both difficult and rewarding for parents. It can wear on your patience when kids begin to question you about everything.
Once they become more mobile, the world is their playground. Children will stop at nothing to explore, and they need consistent boundaries set for their safety. Due to their lack of ability with expression, there may be tantrums and disagreements that seem impossible to reason through. The end of this stage ushers in a transition to school years. This is also a great time to begin focusing on overall family wellness, so each child realizes they have a place.
2. Ages 6-10
During this stage, kids have usually become more familiar with the concept of school, social situations, peers, and formal learning. Peer pressure and the opinions of others become more challenging. Their emotional senses are continuing to develop, and kids should be learning more coping skills to deter outbursts and difficulties. Learning open communication continues to be a very important skill at this age. It’s also a great time to figure out how to motivate your child.
Being more socialized, kids can pick up a variety of habits. During these years it’s not uncommon to receive push back when they argue that a variety of methods are acceptable. It is very important to continue teaching them correctly during this stage of learning. It’s encouraged to make sure natural efforts are a part of everyday life. When there’s natural movement (vs. over-the-top requests or demands), kids are often more accepting. These steps become a part of their foundation. Societal views can be demeaning and deceiving, and your children should be guarded when teaching and discussing in this stage.
3. Ages 11-15
This childhood growth stage can bring even more defiance. Kids are transitioning into middle school and preparing for high school. They feel more able to make decisions (right or wrong) and are beginning to lean into even more self-reliance. This stage brings many copied behaviors, habits, and new challenges. What a child realizes as improper often seems acceptable when friends are around.
Parents sometimes comment that they don’t recognize their kid at this age. In fairness, kids may not readily recognize themselves either. Many changes are taking place in their bodies. This also includes new emotions and thoughts and even how they view you and their peers. Embarrassment of you reigns high. They often dismiss what you tell them recalling the advice of friends or depending on their own reasoning. Challenges abound from academics to social situations, to controlling their mindset and behavior. Although your kids will likely try to avoid you more during this stage, they have never needed you more. Stay aware, recall foundational points, but begin to give them a little space to make mistakes and experience things individually.
4. Ages 16-18
High school teens are in their own category. There are so many new mindsets, social situations, physical circumstances, and raging emotions during this phase of life. It encompasses a special—yet very challenging—timeline. While experiencing the perks of being in high school, they also have the stress of the next big life transition staring them in the face.
As teens continue toward high school graduation, it’s important to maintain the points of parenting we discussed earlier. Although you may be their least favorite person sometimes, they continue to need your input. If your teen does not approach you, let them know you’re available and interested. Even if you aren’t their first—or last—source at this point, it’s vital that they realize you’re close by. Teens are facing issues in a very different and harsh world that we never experienced at their age. Even if your kids assume you don’t understand, attempt to keep a line of communication open.
This is a time when it’s tempting to think your kids are self-reliant and fully set them free; however, they are still in need of some boundaries. If they get the impression you don’t care, or that you have full confidence in all their decisions, it’s difficult to give input when needed. While this stage brings more freedom, solo choices, and its share of missteps, it’s important to allow children to have some of these opportunities, as long as they’re safe. It’s the only way they can begin to learn to live life. This mindset is often mistaken for agreeing with their views and intentions. In this stage, kids will readily give the impression they know all and have everything figured out.
5. Ages 19+
This is an interesting stage because of the mental and emotional transitions that continue to take place for you and your child. At this point, children take a variety of steps involving education, skill training, employment, or even choose a little downtime. No one method is correct, but this stage allows your kids to realize what you have done for them throughout their lifetime. Once reality begins to set in, versus the assumption that they have it all figured out, a new appreciation often takes place.
Remember, kids are unique, so this might be portrayed in varying degrees, or not at all. It stems from the realization that the world is much bigger, more difficult, and less attractive than they expected. Often kids “come back” even if only mentally and emotionally and request your assistance or expertise in certain areas. This stage propels you and your child into a lifelong journey that hopefully continues as a healthy relationship of trust, appreciation, and comfort.
How to Cope When We Fall Short
It’s inevitable. Not only are we going to fall short and let people down in life, but we’ll easily make many wrong choices as parents. Perhaps frequently. It could be something small or the motherload of mistakes. Either way, this calls for points to deal with and steps to heal from your personal punishment of missteps. View it as gaining wisdom.
Pray
While I have included this at the end for coping, prayer should be used from beginning to end. Covering and praying for your kids should start as soon as you know they exist. The more frequently, the better. In addition, when you’re struggling with the ins and outs of parenthood, and the daily journey, prayer is a healing and healthy step. It can bring peace and clarity to an otherwise muddy situation. See this article on how to pray for a deeper look.
Reassess Expectations
It’s true what they say about being your own worst enemy. Perfectionist parents have it the hardest. When it comes to disappointments experienced in parenthood, there is often an inflated impression of what should happen. While this is a common life problem, it’s especially present when raising children. When you feel like you’ve taught them correctly, it’s difficult to watch mishaps. Reassessing this mindset can revamp the perspective of failure if you’re struggling. Be honest, and healthy, in your thoughts and give yourself a break. You take enough punches from the world. Don’t beat yourself up too.
Step Away
It’s important to know your limits. Never is this more needed than when taking heat or dealing with difficult children. Not only does anger, frustration, or a reactive stance create negative emotions, but it can spill over into other areas. Whether they mean to or not, your children know how to push your buttons better than most anyone. Because of this, and other normal parenting situations, it’s necessary to understand the importance of rebooting. It isn’t possible to stay in the thick of a situation and fully decompress from it too. Step away and take a few moments, or longer if you can. Less stress, clear thoughts, and a better plan can lead to more successful coping skills. View this article to get a deeper look at depletion as a parent.
Celebrate Victories
Instead of focusing on failures, spend time reminiscing on your greatest moments as a parent. Even if you only have a few to hold onto (for now), use them as wins. Then, turn your victorious memories into a “pay it forward” moment. Look at your children with that same lens. Try celebrating them simply for who they are rather than focusing on frustrations. Don’t wait on them to perform perfectly. A few smiles all around go a long way in dissolving your self-defeating sentiments.
Final Thoughts on Parenting Points for Success
We’ve looked at several points for successful parenting. We started with helpful tips and then addressed the stages of childhood. Finally, we discussed coping when you feel like you can’t get it right.
This information is based on many years of personal blood, sweat, tears, anguish, and joy. Of course, I wish I knew then what I know now, but hindsight is still beneficial. Especially to those currently walking the journey.
May you relish in the memories, take in the beauty, and find peace in knowing that parenthood can’t possibly be perfect. The imperfections are what make it your unique journey. Embrace them.